F@ll Line.up

It's official that summer is over when all the new show start premiering. It's my opinion that Grey's had such a strong finale last season that any premier at all was going to fall short, and it did, but I can't blame them. I just hope they can get a little better.

Did anyone catch My Gen.er.ation? I graduated 10 years ago, so I thought I should at least give this one a shot. And you know what one of the storylines (although minor) is? Azoo! I could not believe it, a female infert story I could definitely have seen coming, but never thought that male factor would be touched. They handled it well in the pilot, it could all go downhill really fast, or it could disappear, but it was brought up - and I was glad to see it.

And then Sunday, TLC's Sis.ter Wi.ves. Again, another infert. The 1st wife only has one child after 16 years of marriage and she talked just a bit about how that was very, very hard for her (sounded to me like it still is, esp with #3 sitting there about to pop!). While I find poly.gamy wrong on so many different levels, it was really fascinating. #4 is about to be added into the mix and I think it's going to be interesting.

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On to the TTC news. Oh wait, that's right, there is none. I'm on my last week of active BCP, which means AF should be visiting sometime next week. The BCP-for-IVF cycle starts then. I'm nervous and excited and a little more nervous! It's hard to believe we're about to take this step. I am very confident it's where God's leading our path, but I know the road is still full of twists and turns!

Who knew?

Well, the RE's nurse called back yesterday and they want me to do a round of Pr0vera before moving on to birth c0ntrol. Yippee, the hubs will LOVE that! (I'm way moody on Pr0vera).

The nurse offered to call in the meds + the BCP. I only ever used the Nu.va Rin.g so I didn't have a preference. She went ahead and called me in the kind they prefer for the IVF cycles, so I will be on that for about 3 months. It's so cute! I never had the little pack and this one came in a brown case and has a swing arm type mechanism.

The best news? My new insurance covers both the Pr0vera and the BCP! If I'd only known! Thank goodness the Pro is pretty cheap anyway, but I did save $7! I have no idea what BCP runs, but the NR runs $50 a month, so the $10 co-pay was great.

At least my ins covers more than just ab0rtion - it also covers prevention!

When hope is a curse

I truly think that the infertile's real curse is perpetual hope.

Last week in our IVF consult, RE was a little concerned about the light flow/spotting that I was experiencing as AF. She said that she'd prefer if we did a a beta, just to make sure. Especially given that I was only 11dpo.

I went in this morning. It came back as negative and they called this afternoon. They are still concerned about the lightness and said they are considering another round of Pr0vera. I think I'm the only case I've read/heard about that has confirmed O due to IUI and *still* has to have something instigate AF.

The nurse did say that she completely agreed with me going on BCP for the next 2 months given my history of annov, so that we can time out our IVF better. But she had to check with my doc since my AF was so light before prescribing something. I could still start it tomorrow though.

I had held out though, that this was a real long-shot. The hubs and mom & dad, though, they were much more hopeful. Not to say that I'm not disappointed, just not crushed. There's a plan in place. In fact, I received a wedding invite for October today and went to count the weeks, because it seems SO EARLY. 6 weeks... not that far off.

Back to the gym tomorrow.

Plan Double-Z

The hubs and I talked last night and we are moving the timeline up 2 months! I will begin the BCP protocol in mid-October for a November IVF!!! So, so, so excited!

I used the incredibly logical argument that if we go ahead with the IVF in November then we'll save ourselves the cost (both time & money) of all the repeated tests. We have new insurance, and I'm not sure they even cover the diagnostics that the old insurance did (2 different companies). So why take the risk?

The hubs agreed!

I know everyone says NOT to have a summer baby, but I've always wanted a summer baby! I loved having a summer birthday and I'll only have to spend one summer pg and that is why God invented air conditioning.

I also looked this morning and I still have 2 packs of my old BCP, so I'm going to start those as soon as AF moves on out. That way I can insure that I'll be able to really start this IVF ball rolling come mid-October. I'd really like to have this all wrapped up before the holiday season kicks into high gear (excluding Thanksgiving).

My 4 month wait just got cut in half!!!

Busy, busy

Whew! This has been a busy week. I've been working a TON (2 blogs DONE, 2 blogs well under way, only 1 still in the "think" pile!!!). I'm feeling a little drained, but surely I'll get a good night's sleep tonight and then I'll be ready to go again tomorrow. Because tomorrow I need to start working on some local clients' biz.

5 days down...

Normal

I wish I didn't feel quite so normal! I know that we're only 2.5 days post-IUI, but still. I feel like I walk around on eggshells for 2 weeks. My mom said she wished there were a way to know in an hour, kind of like photo processing. Too bad it doesn't work that way.

I've had an upset stomach since Saturday morning. Nothing sits right when I eat. Even when I eat TINY portions, it still feels like I've just gorged on something rich. And I won't even go into some of the bowel issues that popped up yesterday. Just my luck to get a little sick when I'm trying to decipher symptoms!

Worked in the church nursery yesterday, which is always good "birth contr0l!" I've come to the conclusion that I love children, it's parents that bug me most of the time. Mostly parents who don't want to really parent.

One "Beautiful" Follie

I've never heard any of my follicles described as beautiful, but the tech was sure enthusiastic this morning during my u/s!

Right-y has 1 dominant follie at a TWENTY-SEVEN! We will almost definitely be IUI-ing tomorrow. They would have had me trigger, but they needed to get my E2 number back first. I'm supposed to hear something after lunch (post 1pm CST).

And my lining was 7.8! Back up in a more normal range for me!

I'll update when I get the call about timing and E2 numbers!

Hello, Mood Swings!

AF was a happy sight to see, but a bear to deal with. She is gone and so are the cramps and backaches. And fortunately, she took the mood swings with her.

I rarely get into a funk, but last Tuesday I fell into one and didn't even begin to come out of it until Sunday. I have decided that I never really grieved the last cycle, what with the spotting and negative HPTs and the lack of AF and the TWO rounds of Pr0vera. So when this AF hit, I thought I'd instantly be lifted from limbo, but instead I was thrust into grief.

But I'm recovering and today I felt normal again. Even though I'm kinda beginning to forget what "normal" even is.

My hubs and I, and the hub's BFF & pg wife (the one I didn't have to throw a shower for), went to lunch Sunday. Proof positive I love my husband, because the LAST place on Earth I wanted to be stuck was at lunch with a 7-month pg lady telling me "do not have a baby in the summer, it's just murder." I not to tactfully told her that after over 2 years of trying, I would gladly take a baby when and if I could ever have one and that something as trivial as the time of year was of absolutely no importance. And yes, that's exactly what I said.

At the end of lunch, the proceeded to tell me that "everything would work out in the end." I turned on my heel and walked away. I would have said something rude and I don't want to embarrass myself or anyone else, so it was best to ignore the statement altogether.

Monday is CD7, last dose of the 'mid and 2nd shot of F0llistim. Funness. More hormones.

Tuesday I will be 28. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but it doesn't really matter since I can't exactly change it. The upside is that I thought my daddy would be out of town on business, but his meeting got canceled and he gets to be home! He's only ever missed 1 birthday and mom none. I realized today that that is probably a real accomplishment. But I've always thought that the people who birthed me should be the ones I spend time with on my birthday. (I even told my MIL that that was the one "holiday" that I would do whatever plans she wanted.)

Seventy-six trombones led the great parade...

Well, there was no parade, but after 76 days, AF did decide to make her grand appearance. Lots of cramping, not quite as much flow as I'd like or had expected after this much time, but I'll take what I can get.

Just got off the phone with the specialty pharmacy. $341 for the new round of fo11istim and ovidre1. Plus another $20 for the 'mid.

One day insurance will have to cover all this. They should. But by then I'll be old and gray or dead.

By the numbers...

Number of cycles we've been TTC? 23

Number of months we've been TTC? 25

Number of IUI's done in 2010? 4 (1 more to go)

Number of days in this cycle? 72 (and counting!)

Number of Pr0vera pills I've taken so far this cycle? 30

Number of days I've taken meds this cycle? 27

Number of babies I've made? 0

PS - We did find out today that I'm not going to have to give the previously mentioned friend a baby shower! It turns out they are pretty booked for the next month and my guess is the momma-to-be really didn't want this shower anyway. So my poor little emotionally damaged self is saved from the heartache. But I offered and that counts!

Final Countdown

We are on the final countdown to my 28th birthday. 28. Ugh. Started TTC when I was still 25. Fortunately when you add up the months it is *only* 25 months and 23 cycles. I'd like to make it 24.

We have decided that should IUI #5 not work (please,please,please let it work!!!) that we will not be pursuing IVF until the new year. Financially this decision is best. And thank goodness I'm making this decision while I am not in an emotional state. I'm reasonably clear-headed. And as my mother reminded yesterday, we're already half-way through July so it's only 5.5 months away. And we will begin as soon as we can come Jan 1, 2011.

Of course, 5 seems to be some sort of magic number in the IUI-world, so maybe we won't have to wait too much longer. (I swear I've heard SO MANY BFP stories on IUI#5 - so, so, so many!)

Last day + Other News

Today is the last day of Pr0vera 2.0. We'll see. My bbs are sore and my face has broken out, so I'm *hoping* that these are good signs since they are very typical for me in the days prior to AF. Accepting all "AF come quickly" vibes - I know everyone has plenty of those to share!

In other news, I'm a glutton for punishment, and have offered to throw the hub's friend + pg wife a baby shower. I had sworn I would not do it, that another friend of ours/theirs could do it, but she's being a total slacker and I am going to just suck it up. My hubs talked to his friend the other night and there have been a lot of problems along the way and the baby is going to have to have surgery within days of being born. It shouldn't be a survival issue, but I don't think any parent wants to see their newborn go in for surgery. We also found out that this couple m/c last summer and almost lost this baby, too. I feel like they deserve some sort of "normalcy" and the only way I can help is to put on a happy face and throw them the best couple shower in town!

And there's still more: I bought a pleater. For smocking. A friend at church was selling hers, so I bought it. It's in great condition and I even found a lady here in town who is an extremely talented sewer who can walk me through each step and even help me with some of my basic sewing techniques. So excited!!!

Coming Soon...

Hopefully AF... it is now CD65.

And the recipes for the 2 kinds of brownies I made for the 4th picnic. Thanks to those who asked!

Ding, ding, ding: Round 2

I broke down Wednesday morning, our 3rd anniversary, and POA-HPT. Negative. Expected.

Called my RE's nurse and left a message. Normally they get back to me within a couple of hours. But no, not Wednesday. Finally, at the end of the business day the nurse calls to say that she hasn't been able to talk to my doctor, but that she did get my message and would call back Thursday with instructions.

Thursday: "Have you taken a pregnancy test?" Yes. It was negative. "Ok, just checking. We're going to double your dose of Pr0vera and give another go for 10 more days. Some women do have to take it up to a month before they see a period."

Oh, that's encouraging.

So I started the Pr0vera 2.0 yesterday. I should have started Friday night, but I forgot and what's another day, right?

The nurse was VERY surprised that I had waited so long before calling. But I *try* to be patient and let my body do it's thing. I think my body's stuck, though. I will be calling in 15 days if AF hasn't shown. No since in waiting this time.

Happy Independence Day, fellow patriots!

I'm a mess

This has not been my best week. Absolutely don't put anything into my hands that you want found, well, ever. I have lost my wedding album, my bluetooth, some medicine of the hubs (OTC) & a check from a client.

Of all of that the only I was *finally* able to find was the check. My wedding album must be packed away in a box I just haven't looked in yet, because that thing is kinda BIG and not something you can really "lose." And we have decided that my bluetooth was most likely stolen.

But I still fell crazy with a capital C!

The hubs has been sweet about it all week. I've lost total patience with myself, though. It is very unlike me to be this much of a space cadet. I'm a little spacey occasionally, but not this bad on such a consistent basis!

My emotions are all over the place, I've been having some major swings this week. Which must mean my hormones are doing *something* in this body o' mine, just who knows when it might produce AF. Officially, I'm on CD52 and this is now my longest cycle - ever! And we *know* I ovulated and when. And we know I'm not pg. So what the heckers is going on?!? I am proving yet again to be such a medical anomaly.

If we were wrong and the bleeding I saw on Memorial Day weekend was AF, I should be seeing AF again early next week (and given that it's Friday, that's not so far off!). If I haven't seen AF by the end of next week, I'm calling my RE and asking if there is any kind of testing she can do to find out what is going on. B/W or U/S... anything, this is getting old.

Blah.

I'm stuck. I'm stuck in this awful never-ending failure of a cycle. I've been spotting since about 3 days after my last Provera dose, but no AF. Every now and then I get a gush and think, "ok, it's going to come" and still it's just a fake-out.

I don't know what to do. I'm trying to enjoy this forced break and relax. But how long do I just let this go on & is there anything else my docs can do? Is Provera the only thing they can give me?

Finally Something to Tell You!

It's been a slow week but we have finally made some progress.

First and foremost, I'm *finally* bleeding. I hope it continues and goes full-blown AF. I know that everyone always has "COME ON AF" vibes available - send them my way, please!

Next is much, much bigger. It's something that I haven't mentioned yet here on the old blog. But, the hubs has had A LOT of reservations about doing IVF. As in, he had already told me that if round 5 didn't work he wanted to pursue adoption. Adoption is a wonderful thing if your heart is in it - but mine isn't. I've prayed so much in the last 2 years asking God if that's the direction we're headed and I have never had any iota of confirmation that it was.

The hubs went to Bible study alone this morning because I was working elsewhere in the church and the lesson was on fear and how you can't let fear run your life and the metaphor of doors and windows opening and closing was used and it all finally clicked for the hubs. He came to me after church and told me that he'd been letting fear rule and that he was done with that! He was ready to put it truly in God's hands and believe that these IUI failures weren't closed doors and "no's" that he'd been thinking they were and could potentially be a pathway to IVF.

He still wants to pursue IUI #5 and I'm totally cool with that. But it won't be the end of the road. And that is a miracle in and of itself.

I heard this song on the radio this morning and it was a gentle reminder:

I Will Praise You in the Storm

(chorus below, but linked to Cast1ng Crowns YouTuuuube video)

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

To be fair...

Sorry to keep you in suspense, but my beta did come back negative today. Progesterone came in at less than one. I'm still not bleeding, though. Today is CD28, so I'm hoping that maybe tomorrow AF will roar in full force (that may just be wishful thinking).

The nurse who called today was the least compassionate I've had and was just about useless for the questions I had. When I asked her why I'm not bleeding, she said that I needed to wait until CD35 or 40 and if I hadn't seen AF by then to do another HPT or call for another blood test. She said then they'd prescribe Pr0vera.

I'm going to call *my* nurse tomorrow and discuss it with her. If my beta was less than 2.3, then I don't see how I could possibly be pg at this point, so why prolong the agony and just let me have the Pr0vera to kick-start a new cycle. I really don't want to sit out the month of June. Our 5th IUI will be our final IUI and I'd like to get the show on the road.

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers over the last few days.

Nothing can ever be easy *updated*

Even AF. This post may contain some TMI, consider yourself warned.

Friday afternoon... pink/brown on TP
Friday evening... pink/brown on pad (small spots)
Saturday... spotting, mostly brown & pink, some red, but red is very dark
Saturday 3pm-Sunday 8am: same tampon* not full, just "surface" absorbency
Sunday morning... still very light spotting, more red, but no full-on flow
Sunday afternoon... bleeding stops for about 6 hours completely
Sunday night... right before bed goes back to brown on TP
Monday morning... brown spotting on tampon only, negative digital HPT, call in to nurse pager

Additional notes: bbs still tender, nose is still sensitive and gas is less but still more than usual. Oh, and no uterine or vaginal cramps. At all. Which is completely odd - I always cramp on day 1, most times on day 2 as well. Even with all the IF stuff, that has not changed.

So, yeah, I know there is only 0.01% chance I'm pg. BUT, I cannot start meds tonight (what I'm calling CD3) without knowing for certain. Cl0mid and F0llistim are poisonous to a fetus. I've talked to one nurse and fortunately, my nurse is in the office doing u/s this morning (b/c we all know fertility doesn't take a holiday). She's supposed to call me back with instructions when she's done.

I never thought that AF would be this difficult. This is usually the easy part. I've had light AFs before, but this is almost non-existent.

*update* My nurse called back. After explaining the situation to her, she said I should not count myself out just yet and that I really shouldn't be counting these days as a new cycle. She said that until I see my normal flow, not to start day 1. I go in tomorrow for a blood test though to determine if this cycle was successful.



*yes, I'm fully aware that wearing a tampon for that many hours is not recommended

If at first you don't succeed...

you try, try, try, and yes, try again.

And so we will. We will pursue the 5th and final IUI. After that, another meeting with the RE to discuss moving on to IVF.

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers yesterday. I cried, but it wasn't the same meltdown that I had anticipated or experienced in months past.

Most Part of me is just really tired.
Tired of the disappointment.
Tired of the meds.
Tired of living my life in 2 week increments.

I know, I choose to continue on. But I certainly didn't ask to be put on this path to begin with.