I am a member of a certain message board system and I have been "friends" with some of these girls since before we started TTC. Almost 3 years now. I'll admit that it was hard to see most of them get pg so easily and quickly, but I don't begrudge them their fertility. There has been an explosion of "old-timers" graduating lately, and for that I am very grateful.
Right now there is a thread that is a questionnaire about number of children and preferred spacing. I just have to laugh at this. Because for me, it is quite literally inconceivable for me to plan a pregnancy. In fact, this right now, could be the one and only time I am pregnant. I don't have a choice. The only way I could justify another round of IVF is if this one ends prematurely - and I try not to think about that.
But the idea of planning? The idea of having any control whatsoever? It is just laughable for me. I will never be that girl. I will never be that girl who gets to sit around and debate the pros and cons of when would be the best time to be pregnant again. Well, I guess I could sit around and discuss it, but it would be rather moot. And I hope that doesn't sound bitter, because it's really not meant to be, it's just pure fact.
I thought about responding to the thread, but decided against it considering it would come off as the "bitter infertile" or as "poor pitiful me." I don't want that, mostly because I have come to terms with it. I was/am a happy only child. I never really felt like I missed out on anything other than a whole lot of bickering. I play well with others, share and was never allowed to be a brat. I have no hesitation that my child will most likely be able to say the same. And yes, I realize that lots of people love their sibs to death and would stringently disagree with me about not missing anything. But you can't miss what you never had. I just don't think it's a requirement in life to have a sib or that I am obligated to provide one for my child. Of course, this is assuming that I am not carrying twins. Given my hCG numbers though, I think that's in great doubt. Again, that's ok.
6w1d and counting. Only 6 more days until I get to see my babe(s)!
I am also an only child and don't mind in the least- more attention and love for me :D I can also imagine how it must feel for you to see that thread. There is so much that we take for granted every day which we shouldn't, thanks for reminding me of that:)
ReplyDeleteAfter I told one of my pregnant friends about my inability to pop out eggs we were talking about her due date and the timing of her baby. She said, "Oh, it's easy. If you want to the summer off, you have to get pregnant in August." Rrrrrrright. That's so easy.
ReplyDeleteSome people are just lucky. I remember when we first started trying my husband didn't want to start right away because the kids would have a birthday in december. I don't care now, as long as we got pregnant.
ReplyDeleteAlison, your post really made me think. I agree with Ash, there's so much we take for granted. I still think you should have responded to the thread though - it would just show everyone another point of view, and give them something to reflect on.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you come across as bitter at all - all along, I have admired your strength, your trust in God and your un-bitchiness.
P.S. I sometimes feel "wrong" leaving you comments here, like I'm not allowed to because I haven't experienced any of your struggles. I hope you don't mind me following your blog and commenting.
It is hard for me to hear people talking like that-mostly because it makes me jealous. It would be so awesome to actually just 'plan' for a baby and then get pregnant, what a concept:)
ReplyDeleteHi baby! Love the holiday additions to the blog! Too cute!!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you mention this Alison. It is the kind of discussion that gives me pause as well. I really don't want to be seen as being bitter (although I must be honest that I do feel bitter at times). More than anything I just want people to understand how lucky they are to 'get' to think about stuff like that.
ReplyDeleteI was watching law and order the other night and it was all about 'designer babies'. The show made me so angry because it didn't even consider the reality about why the whole field of Assisted Reproduction exists.
I guess I just want to feel like I am understood, and not like an outcast.