Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Should I send this email?

We see the RE today. And after today I hope to have at least a little sense of direction on which way we are headed. I have a group of 4 friends who all know we are trying, but that's about all they know. I have composed the following, but am still deciding whether I am brave enough to send it, tell me if you would?

Hey girls,
I wanted to write you today to let you know what's been going on the last few months. This may be more about me than you ever wanted to know, but I thought I owed it to you as my friends, to come clean. If I were you I would by dying to know just out of curiosity! So here it is.

As you all know, the hubs and I have been trying to have a baby for over a year and a half. Last March, it was discovered through bloodwork that even though I have regular monthly cycles, I was not ovulating. At all. This is bad for baby-making! My OB/GYN prescribed the fertility drug, Clo.mid, to induce ovulation. It worked to a point, but not as well as they would have liked and it still didn't result in a pregnancy.

In July my doctor referred me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist, a fertility specialist. There is only one of these clinics in . I finally got in to see a doctor (there are only 3) in October. More bloodwork was done and a procedure known as an HSG that checks to see if the fallopian tubes & uterus are unobstructed. In that procedure, a radiologist threads a catheter of dye through the cervix and into the uterus and then fills the uterus with dye and it is supposed to come spilling out of the fallopian tubes. Mine were all clear. It was an unpleasant procedure that I would describe as not so much painful but very intense.

They also found that my metabolism is almost non-existent. I did a 1-hour glucose test and failed with flying colors! It was at this point I was diagnosed with Poly.cystic Ova.rian Syndr.ome, more commonly known as PC.OS.

In December, we attempted our first IUI, or what I like to call the "turkey baster" method. But my follicles (eggs) didn't respond well enough to the medication and it was canceled. In January we attempted again with a higher dosage of medication. The IUI was done, but resulted in nothing. Same in late January. In late February we had one last chance, so my doctor put me on 3 different medications before and after the IUI to increase my chances of it working. Unfortunately the cycle was still a bust. It was devastating.

The hubs & I met with our doctor this afternoon to discuss what our options are going forward. They are IVF and adoption. Both bear considerable financial burden, not to mention the emotional toll, and so we are not rushing into either.

In all I have been on medication for 9 out of the past 12 months. Medication that is designed to alter your hormonal levels. It has been an ever-changing roller coaster ride where I am high as can be one moment and on the brink of despair the next. I've tried to maintain a pleasant manner outside of my home, but if in the last year I have snapped at you, forgive me, I'm totally claiming that the meds made me do it! Poor hubs has had to live with a crazy(-er) wife and he has been wonderful through it all.

I wish I could adequately explain how hard the last 20 months have been. I would never wish infertility on anyone, friend or foe. It is a journey that I hope none of you experience. I've wanted nothing more in my 27 (almost 28) years than to be a mother, and so many days in the last 2 years that dream, hope, longing has seemed to slip further and further from my grasp. I do not want your pity, because I don't pity myself, but I do ask for your support and encouragement. I also ask that you not tell me the "miracle" stories of your neighbor's best friend's sister who after trying for years and finally adopting found out they were pregnant. That really doesn't help.



  1. Allison - I think you should, but I would probably add a bit on the end about what might (or would) be helpful. I think that people don't know an appropriate response most of the the time, and so some idea of what you think would be helpful will make this e-mail better.

  2. I agree with the pp. Telling two of my closest friends what we've been going through (both by e-mail initially) was incredibly helpful. I finally felt like I wasn't hiding things from them. I didn't add the part at the end about what to say to me about it and I got lots of "so and so had problems and then..." or "if it makes you feel better..." comments initially. It's definitely gotten better, though, since then. But, it probably would have helped to be more upfront about what I really need from them.

    Let us know how it goes!

  3. I think it's a great email - honest and well thought out. I do agree with Jenni above in that you should let them know what you would find helpful. We are all different so what would work for you may not work for another and vice versa. Having the support of your friends is so very important and I wish you well with it.

  4. That letter is very well written. It says everything that should be said, i can tell you really thought it through. Send it.

  5. Yes, send it. It's a great letter and very honest. You need the support of your close friends right now and hopefully they can understand what you need by understanding what you're going through and experiencing.
    Lots of love Ali.

  6. If letting your friends know your situation helps you cope and deal, then by all means let them know...Initially I felt awkward being open with my friends and some co-workers, but my only word of caution is be prepared for their concerns and asking more questions. I love my friends, but I get bothered when they start asking questions when I am not prepared to talk about it. Sometimes I feel like I am under a microscope, but I have to remind myself that I made the choice to disclose...I have come to the conclusion that infertility is something not to feel ashamed about and more people need to talk openly about it in order to help understand the mystery that surrounds it.
    I must admit, the end of your letter could be re-phrased...tell them to just be supportive. I get what you are saying though about not wanting to hear about other peoples successes... Wishing you all the best.

  7. Yes send, and like everyone said add a little bit on the bottom about how they can be supportive. By just listening, by being there, by being sensitive when announcing baby news ext. I think your friends will be very happy that you chose to let them into your life!! do these friends have children?

  8. A nicely written letter. It's a good idea to send one like that. I find I get tired of repeating myself to people who are close to me. Sometimes sharing once is all I can handle at the moment. I know at one point I told my best friends not to ask about it. I'd tell them when I had something to tell and when I felt up to it...just so they aren't always asking specifics. Know what I mean?

  9. Very good idea. I actually became very open and public about our infertility struggle. I love that it has made so many people aware of infertility and how it could affect anyone. I have had the best support from friends and family.

  10. I think your email is great. Just play the movie in your head for all of their potential responses/reactions so you're prepared.

    Please let us know when you hit "send".

  11. I think you should send the email if you need that comfort and support IRL. I think your email is very specific and definitely shows your emotion. Your friends love you and will want to know what is going on with you even when it is SO hard to share sometimes. Know I am always here to support you!

  12. I think you should send it! As a friend I would want to know- although as some others mentioned it might be helpful if you mentioned what your friends could do, as I would want to do something! Even if all you wanted was a hug or open ear.

  13. I think you should send it!