But fear itself...

Ok, here I am in the 1ww. And because I'm bad at math, I realized that I lied yesterday, I wasn't 9dpiui until today. That's ok, tomorrow I will be 10dpiui and that puts me in the double-digits. What does that mean? To me it means that I must start thinking about when/if I am going to take a HPT. The very thought of it has me breaking into a cold sweat.

<-- I clipped that today from the local paper.

See, I haven't purchased or used a HPT since probably March of last year. Maybe even longer ago than that. I became a staunch advocate for waiting until you are late to POAS. I saw WAY too many girls get their hopes up and be told, "it could still happen," and was done.

And then in July it became moot. Last cycle I was debating and thinking and weighing my options and AF decided to come 2 days early.

This time is different, though. I am on progesterone and from what I understand, progesterone will prolong your cycle. Really, I should definitely not have bleeding.

There's also another issue. Well, 2 really.

1 - I am terrified of POAS. Well, not the act of, but of seeing the result. A negative result. It will be a crushing blow. It's not will power that makes me hold out, readers, it's pain old fear.

2 - My mom was never pregnant. Or so said the pregnancy tests. Mom didn't test positive when she was SEVEN months along. The nurses tested her every month when she went in, because they thought it was funny. After 7 months they stopped because it became evident she would never test positive. I'm guessing it's because she has a slow metabolism and the HcG just didn't metabolize fast enough to ever give a positive result. And I have the same slow metabolism. Again, I'm scared that I will test, it will be negative, I'll be despondent, but yet still be pregnant. It could happen. I'm hoping it won't.

On the way home from church today, a song came on the radio that I really connected with. The chorus especially (you.tube link):

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Chorus:
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You