Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Pity Party, Table for One, Please

(Disclaimer: I'm about to do some major whining. I am very well aware of the fact that I'm probably going to sound like a Class A b!tch. I'm very happy for my pregnant friends; I am very, very unhappy for me.)

And then there was one.

It's official. I'm the last one of my little IF club that is not a mother.* While over-the-moon happy for my friend who got a fantastic first Beta yesterday, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmingly sad that I am the last non-mother of the group.

Yes, it's incredibly selfish of me, but I didn't want to be the last. Never dreamed I would be. On the surface and before we had my husband tested, I had the fewest problems. Of course, my husband's dx brought on a whole new onslaught of problems and setbacks. It's not that I wanted any one to be last, I just didn't want it to be me.

I feel horrible even saying that, but I think if we were all honest, each one of us would say the same thing. No one wants to be "that girl."

I want to cry, but I haven't let the tears roll. What use would crying do? It would just be me letting myself indulge in this complete selfishness that is probably magnified by the hormones that come just prior to AF. In some ways, I think it would be a little easier to bear if AF had already shown up, because I could delude myself into believing that *this* would be my cycle.

Right now, still stuck in month 18, I can't see that possibility yet. We have to cross the "when will AF finally get here" bridge, before we can navigate, "Clom!d land" again.

The sadness of it all sneaks up on me sometimes. And today, I feel more alone in this journey than I have ever felt before.

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*In full disclosure, one of the other girls has an angel now, and won't be counting down her gestation. But she is a mother. The grass is certainly not greener, and she is in my thoughts and prayers still as she grieves.

11 comments:

  1. The sadness sneaks up on me sometimes too when I'm not expecting it. I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. (((HUGS)))

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  2. I'm so sorry. Please hang in.

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  3. IF is such a lonely road, even if your DH or other are around to comfort you. I am sorry you're having one of those super-sad days...they really do sneak up on you and knock you off your feet. I know there isn't anything I can say to help you feel better and, not knowing you IRL and barely knowing you here, I can't surround you with the love and understanding you need. But I do hope you feel that you are loved and you are cared about.

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  4. I'm sorry you are feeling down about this. You are not a Class A beeyotch. Or if you are, I'm in the club with you.

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  5. It is hard to be 'left in the dust' and you're right- no one wants to be the last. You are certainly not alone in these feelings!

    I hope AF comes soon so that it can finally be your cycle.

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  6. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way Alison. Big hugs, and I hope 2010 brings great happiness your way.

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  7. Hi, I popped over from Eileen's blog...you are right, we all feel that way...we don't want to be the last one and it sucks. No matter how long we have been trying, we just want it to be "our turn" already. Chin up and hang in there. BTW, I love your graphics and what you helped Eileen with. I might stop back by and have you help me with my blog layout...you are very talented.

    I'm sorry that you are going through this journey known as IF. I have heard great stories about dIUI, so keep the hope alive and I look forward to following along and hopefully cheering for your BFP in the New Year!

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  8. I'm so sorry Ali. As you well know, I wish we could have *all* gotten our BFP's in one great big succession. In reality, who would have ever thought that in our group of 8 there would have been so much heartbreak. Please know that I'm always here for you and the girls of 8SF9. ((hugs))

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  9. ((Hugs)) I know the feeling all too well and I think everyone with IF goes through the same thing. I hope your AF comes soon and you have a successful cycle with IUI next time

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  10. This def made me tear up. Love you Ali...

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  11. awe, i know it probably doesn't help but i know how you feel. :(

    hang in there. it definitely doesn't get easier, but taking a moment to let out how you really feel is a good thing.

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